Game Curmudgeons

Mutant Storm Empire (yes, the sequel to Mutant Storm, if you can’t guess somehow) is a new arena shooter available on Xbox Live Arcade. Taking a cue from Robotron: 2084 and Smash TV, MSE focuses mostly on blasting enemies in all directions at a quick pace. Carving out paths among swarms of enemies, blasting big bosses, and avoiding kamikaze death is the formula, and it’s held to fairly tightly. Moar! »

The bar has been raised.

Mass Effect is a spectacular RPG/Shooter hybrid, with emphasis on the RPG, but no lack of quality in the shooting.

The plot is absolutely incredible. The graphics are stunning, the audio is simply amazing. The action is intense, dialog acted out brilliantly. The game is, as a whole, resplendent, a shining star in a vast sea of gaming, the large and, until the last few months, somewhat bleak expanse of the next generation.

Sure, it wobbles a bit, and there’s a flare or two which threatens to reach out and lick a planet, to extend this metaphor, but it never causes more damage than a bit of lost cell phone reception. Moar! »

The galaxy is a big, big place. And when you can explore this much of it, things take a while.

The general policy here is to get to the end of any game with a linear objective, and to get a significant dose of sandboxes and sports games.

Well, there is an end goal to Mass Effect, and there’s a lot of sidequest. I’m at 22 hours, and I believe I’m halfway done at most. It’s not too early to recommend the game, however, and this is the point where I do so.

In summary, the game is awesome. I’m going to go over my weak points, in a nice bulleted list, so you know what to watch for, because the rest is just great. Moar! »

Continuing with the previous theme, Mass Effect is pretty god damn awesome. Tiny nitpicks are the worst of my complaints(and so far, they’re all featured on Penny Arcade). The game likes to load. A lot. The loading screens tend to be very pretty though, full of nice graphics and sound. Nothing more than a few exquisitely animated frames with sound effects, but I can’t complain at all about them. The elevators, well, they’re slow, but often provide audio that reflects recent player achievements, or has information opening new missions. Moar! »

I should have put up some Mass Effect impressions by now, but I just spent the last 24 hours with the vomiting and not being able to sit upright. Right now the most basic of video games is prettymuch beyond my grasp(so is typing right now), but for those waiting, the first impression is “God damn, this is great.”

So there you go. When my mind and body return to some sort of proper function, as neither is working at full capacity alone, much less in sync, I’ll have more.

Because Lego Star Wars and Lego Indiana Jones just aren’t enough(there is not any sarcasm in that statement, by the way, as those are fucking awesome), here’s a teaser for LEGO BATMAN.

I can’t wait to toss lego bad guys through lego plate glass windows, myself.

According to Official Xbox Magazine, the next update for the dashboard will include a hell of a feature.

Downloadable Xbox games, for 1200 points(aka, $15). The list as of now includes: Crimson Skies: High Road To Revenge, Fable, Burnout 3, Crash Bandicoot: The Wrath Of Cortex, Halo:Combat Evolved, and my personal favorite of the list, Indigo Prophecy.

If you haven’t played Indigo Prophecy(also known as Fahrenheit) yet, do it. It’s an amazing adventure game based on QTE action sequences, and interactions using the analog sticks to replicate motion. While the storytelling gets a touch disjointed or jumps once in a while, it, and the and characters, are sheer genius, making the game a must own.

It remains to be seen if Fable will be the original or director’s cut, but hopefully the latter.

Now if only they’d add Beyond Good and Evil to the list, and give me some software compatibility for Steel Battalion. I can buy the Xbox-USB adapter myself, but damn it, I spent $200 on that game!

Big update! The latest news release puts Psychonauts on the list for full games. Good stuff, that.

Ace Combat 6:Fires of Liberation(actually it’s the seventh game, but hey, it’s better than Dark Forces 4:Jedi Knight 3:Jedi Academy in terms of titling) is a (fairly unrealistic) flight combat sim, trading accuracy in flight models, ammo counts, and sheer durability for raw action and excitement. And damn it, it works.

AC6 tells the story of several people caught up in a war of aggression, on both sides. The player, while instrumental in every mission, doesn’t actually get directly involved in the story, as has usually been the case for the games. The player flies missions, blows things up, and the game follows characters who have to deal with the repercussions of it. While the voice acting can be a bit rough, and the mouths rarely line up right, there’s a surprisingly strong story to be found, especially as things begin to come to a conclusion. It’s too bad it couldn’t be explored in more depth. Moar! »

November is going to be a hell of a month for gaming. Crysis, Unreal Tournament 3, Assassin’s Creed, Rock Band, Gears of War PC, Smackdown Vs. Raw 2008(Yes, a very guilty pleasure), are all coming out, and all of them have us excited. There’s one game in particular that we’re eager for, more than any others, which is due on the 20th.

That game is Bioware’s newest title, Mass Effect. If you somehow haven’t heard, it’s a Sci-Fi RPG coming out for the 360, with real time squad combat. For a little taste of that, take a look at this teaser video(low res version here).

There’s a small screenshot gallery up now, but I’ve got a special treat. Here’s a wonderful in-character summary of the alien races of Mass Effect. Get to know them well, because humans are a rarity, and not so popular with the rest of the galaxy’s inhabitants.

The Alien Races of Mass Effect

Systems Alliance Office of Naval Intelligence
ONI-6078-A1: Xenological Threat Assessments

The Turian Hierarchy
The turians are the greatest threat to Alliance interests. While the batarians are more openly hostile, they are a second-rate power. The Hierarchy is powerful, stable, and proactive in suppressing perceived threats. There is continued friction between jingoistic human and turian organizations, who wish to “settle” the diplomatically-resolved First Contact War.

Political Factors
The government is a hierarchical meritocracy, with promotion based on the assessments of superiors and peers. Orders from above are rarely disobeyed. Each member of the Council of Hierarchs commands an entire star cluster.

It should be noted that the Treaty of Farixen, which the Alliance signed to gain an embassy on the Citadel, restricts our number of dreadnought-mass warships to 1/5th that of the turian fleet.

Economic Factors
The turian economy is vastly larger than ours, but cannot match the size and power of the asari. For many years, development was hampered by cultural disinterest in economics. When the turians accepted the volus as a client race, business development improved.

The military is supported by a well-developed infrastructure. Manufacturers such as Armax Arsenal and the Haliat Armory produce advanced, reliable equipment.

Cultural Factors
Turians are noted for their strong sense of public service. It is rare to find one who puts his needs ahead of the group. Every citizen from age 15 to 30 serves the state in some capacity, as anything from a soldier to an administrator, from a construction engineer to a sanitation worker.

Biological Factors
Turian genetic code is based on dextro-amino acids. If they attempt to ingest human food, which is based on levo-amino acids, they may enter anaphylactic shock. The army that occupied the Alliance colony of Shanxi in the First Contact War imported all its food, at great logistical expense.

Systems Alliance Office of Naval Intelligence
ONI-6078-A2: Xenological Threat Assessments

The Asari Republics
The asari are a moderate threat to Alliance interests. Their economic power and diplomatic reputation allow them to wield persuasive influence. Fortunately, their military is barely more than a collection of local warrior bands. Soldiers are well-armed and exceptionally skilled, but do not possess sufficient organization for large-scale military campaigns.

Political Factors
The asari have no government per se. Policy is decided through the ebb and flow of public opinion in a sprawling but well-organized electronic democracy. The closest analogue to an executive decision-making body is the opinion of the Matriarchs. In a crisis, the public turns to the experience of these millennia-old “wise women” for advice.

Economic Factors
The asari possess the largest single economy in the galaxy. They have extensive trade and social contacts. Craft guilds, such as those of the cities Serrice and Armali, hold a virtual monopoly on advanced biotic technology. Given their political influence, an embargo by the asari would prove disastrous to the Alliance.

Cultural Factors
Because of their long lifespan, asari are more comfortable with observation and study than immediate action. In diplomacy, this manifests in a tendency to centrism. The asari seek to maintain stable balances of economic, political, and military power. They prefer to work their will through cultural influence. They believe that their ideals and beliefs will inevitably shape the general galactic culture.

Biological Factors
The unique asari reproductive system naturally inclines them to biotic abilities. In fact, lack of biotic ability will exempt a young asari from military service. Asari biotic commandoes are more powerful than the best human adepts, and possess skills we cannot emulate.

Systems Alliance Office of Naval Intelligence
ONI-6078-A3: Xenological Threat Assessments

The Salarian Union
The salarians are considered a moderate threat to Alliance, but share certain similarities in mindset. They are politically liberal, often at odds with the conservative turians and centrist asari.

It is universally acknowledged that the salarians possess the finest intelligence services in the galaxy. Our own counterintelligence agencies are constantly uncovering salarian agents and cyberwarfare incursions.

Political Factors
The political structure of the salarians is almost medieval, and largely incomprehensible to outsiders. Political power is wielded by millions of cloistered female dynasts, who shape policy among themselves with little input from males. These clan leaders spread their influence through a tangled web of intermarriages and personal negotiation. Annoying one clan leader has a high risk of irritating ten more – or a hundred more.

Economic Factors
The salarian economy is the smallest of the three Council races, but still far larger than the Alliance. It is based on “bleeding-edge” technologies; salarian industries are leaders in most fields. They make up for a lack of military quantity by holding a decisive superiority in quality.

Cultural Factors
Salarian culture wholly embraces the concept of the preemptive strike. They find the idea of a declaration of war foolish, and the idea of waiting for a known enemy to attack preposterous. In every war they have ever fought, they have struck first and without warning.

Biological Factors
The salarian metabolism works nearly twice as fast as that of humans, giving them faster reflexes and superior mental agility. They adapt to unexpected and rapidly developing situations with preternatural swiftness. By human standards, salarians seem hyperactive and restless. By salarian standards, we seem sluggish and dull-witted.

Systems Alliance Office of Naval Intelligence
ONI-6078-A4: Xenological Threat Assessments

The Illuminated Primacy (Hanar)
The hanar are an inoffensive third-rate power, and considered a minor threat to the Alliance. They have little interest in interacting with other cultures, due to a cultural obsession with manners and politeness that verges on monomania.

Political Factors
The hanar government is a benign theocracy. While tolerant of other creeds, the official state religion is the worship of the “Enkindlers” – the Protheans. There are many Prothean ruins on their homeworld, and hanar believe the elder race civilized their ancestors. It is difficult for a hanar to view the Protheans as an actual race rather than idealized mythological figures.

Economic Factors
Few hanar are willing to deal with other species. Economic contacts are limited to a handful of trade stations on their borders. Due to this self-imposed isolation and the unique physiology of the race, their economy is small and isolated from the rest of the galaxy. Few standard technologies (designed for bipedal and fingered species) are available in their space, and they produce very few goods that are useable by others.

Cultural Factors
The hanar are reserved and polite, with ancient customs dictating all aspects of conversation. They find the speech of other races to be rude. Most consider other species to be uncouth barbarians and lack the patience to “unlearn” their tendency to take offense. It is strongly recommended that Alliance personnel avoid direct contact with hanar, and defer to specially-trained diplomats.

Biological Factors
The invertebrate, water-native hanar cannot support their own weight in normal gravity. When interacting with mainstream galactic society, they rely on mass effect contra-gravitic levitation packs. Their limbs can grip tightly, but are not strong enough to lift more than a few hundred grams each.

Systems Alliance Office of Naval Intelligence
ONI-6078-A5: Xenological Threat Assessments

The Vol Protectorate
On their own, the volus are a minor threat to Alliance interests. However, several hundred years ago they became a turian client race, exchanging their mercantile prowess for turian military protection.

Political Factors
The turians left the volus government independent. The Hierarchy is content to let them rule themselves as they wish, so long as they pay their taxes and contribute auxiliary units to the turian military. The volus will support the turians in any war they might pursue, and vice-versa.

Economic Factors
Like the ancient Venetians or Dutch, the volus possess an economy out of proportion to their modest resource base. They are aggressive traders and industrialists with a keen grasp of exchange and finance. Many of the galaxy’s largest banks, holding corporations, and manufacturing cartels, such as the Elkoss Combine, are owned or managed by volus. They also regulate the Citadel’s complex galactic economy.

Cultural Factors
Since the dawn of their recorded history, the volus tribes have bartered resources, land, and even people to gain status. This culture of exchange inclines them to economic pursuits. Though some interpret the bartering of tribe members as slavery, it is, in practice, no more odious than arranged marriages.

Biological Factors
The volus homeworld has an ammonia-based ecology with a high-pressure atmosphere. To interact with the carbon-based species of the galaxy, the volus must wear full-enclosing pressure suits. Without them, they could not breathe, and might actually burst open.

Systems Alliance Office of Naval Intelligence
ONI-6078-A6: Xenological Threat Assessments

The Courts of Dekuun (Elcor)
While the elcor are territorial about any area they consider theirs, they have no interest in aggressive expansion. They have a small military and are no threat to Alliance interests.

Political Factors
The elcor follow the recommendations of their Elders, who spend years poring over ancient records of jurisprudence to determine the precedent that should be followed in any given situation. The Elders record closely argued and minutely detailed instructions on what course to follow in any theoretical crisis. These are filed away in huge libraries of data discs and consulted at need. This makes elcor policies very predictable, provided one has done a great deal of research.

Economic Factors
The elcor economy is small, only slightly larger than the Alliance’s, but extremely well-developed. They see no point to rushing things, and are fond of making thorough, century-long development plans. They don’t need to trade for any resource – they have all they require to supply their own needs, and trade only in finished goods. Any attempt to embargo their space would be fruitless.

Cultural Factors
Elcor psychology is deliberate and conservative. They are incapable of making spur-of-the-moment decisions, and rely on sophisticated virtually intelligent combat systems. These autonomous war machines can choose between thousands of gambits developed and polished over centuries by elcor strategists.

Biological Factors
The massive bodies of the elcor cannot move quickly. Fortunately, they are extremely tough-skinned, and can carry incredibly heavy equipment. Elcor warriors don’t dodge incoming fire; they shrug it off or endure it. They don’t carry small arms; their broad shoulders serve as a stable platform for the same size of weapons typically mounted on Alliance fighting vehicles.

Systems Alliance Office of Naval Intelligence
ONI-6078-A7: Xenological Threat Assessments

Quarian Migrant Fleet
The quarian Migrant Fleet includes several hundred warships, but due to their precarious existence, cannot be considered a creditable threat. The quarian military does not attack others; it defends the Fleet. Thus far, the Alliance has not been required to block quarian access to human-claimed systems.

Political Factors
The quarian government is an amalgam of ship-based representative councils and military dictatorship. Fleet operations are directed by the military. The Admiralty Board allows the civilian government to run society, but has the authority to overrule them in an emergency.

Economic Factors
The quarian economy exists at a subsistence level. The government is obliged to provide air, food, and water to every citizen to ensure survival of the species. The greatest quarian asset is technical ability. Quarians are skilled space miners, technicians, and mechanics, and are often hired by space industries seeking cheap, skilled labor. This frequently causes protests and riots among native workers.

Cultural Factors
The greatest influences on quarian culture are the creation and revolt of the geth and the loss of the quarian homeworld. In contrast to other races, quarians are reluctant to trust virtually- or artificially-intelligent machines, but they are far more likely to treat them as if they were living beings.

Biological Factors
Little is known of quarian biology. Like the turians, they possess a dextro-amino acid biology, and cannot consume human food. Outside of their own vessels, they always wear a protective, fully-sealed environment suit. No one has ever been allowed to board a quarian ship; they claim they cannot risk outside contamination.

Systems Alliance Office of Naval Intelligence
ONI-6078-AA: Xenological Threat Assessments

Appendix: Keepers
The “keepers” of the Citadel are not considered a threat by Alliance Intelligence. They appear to be genetic constructs, simple-minded biological androids created by the Protheans to maintain the structure of the Citadel station. When the asari discovered the Citadel, the keepers were already doing their duties. They continue to do so to this day, following apparently-instinctive routines and blithely ignoring the millions of aliens that have settled in their home.

There is no known way to communicate with the keepers. Attempts to take them into custody for study cause the creatures to undergo a sudden “self-destruct,” with a form of acid being released internally. The affected keeper literally melts into a puddle of proteins and minerals in less than a minute.

No matter how many keepers die due to old age, violence, or accident, they maintain a constant number. No one has discovered the source of new keepers, but some believe they are grown deep within the inaccessible core of the Citadel.

For the last 8 years, Tony Hawk has been the only name in the video skateboarding game. Arcade-style gameplay taking the basics from real skateboarding but to an extreme level was the start of the formula, which has been refined over the years and generally improved upon(with the unfortunate exceptions of THUG2 and Project 8, which left a lot to be desired).

Now EA sports has made an entry, and rather than compete to top Tony Hawk, they’ve chosen to take a new, hardcore simulation route. Some major innovations are present, but they’re not without their share of major problems.

skate.(yes, that’s how EA chooses to spell it) focuses on the career. Completing challenges like photoshoots, races, and competitions opens up bigger and better venues. With some time and practice, players go from skating a small park to the X Games and beyond, or will, eventually, if they don’t throw the game out the window for the ridiculous difficulty cliff. This is no curve, this is a 88 degree incline that should come with climbing equipment and a bungee cord for the controllers that will inevitably be hurled at certain points of the game.

So what makes skate. skate.? Aside from the punctuational clusterfuck it causes, the control is focused on the analog sticks to trick, using a gesture system. Unfortunately, when it comes to intermediate, let alone advanced tricks, the arcane symbols one’s thumb must produce can be more difficult to achieve than Black and White’s most complex “Fuck you creature, stop eating my worshippers” command ever was. While every trick is, in theory, unlocked from the very start of the game, doing anything beyond a pop shove-it isn’t likely to happen intentionally for some time. Even a proper ollie at speed can be a challenge, often resulting in leaving the ground by three inches or launching eight feet into the air with no apparent reason what made the difference.

skate. is entirely reliant on planning ahead. Kick to build up speed, crouch and prepare the ollie, then launch into the air and pump for extra height off pipes, carefully flick the right stick and use the left stick for any body movement, and, hopefully, land. That isn’t so bad, usually. The problem is that it’s INCREDIBLY easy to bail before you even start a trick. Many goals are in areas full of pedestrians, and a slight bump will kill your speed or knock you right off the board, as well as knock the pedestrian over, leaving them in the way when you try to line up again for a trick. Not just that, but any little upward change in height will hurl you away from the board. Street curbs are vicious foes which MUST be manually ollied over, and often that attempt will end up in a grind. Which itself can lead right to a bail if you didn’t ollie high enough due to not having prepared long enough, hit the stick fast enough, or just coming on too straight when you didn’t intend to grind at all. All the bailing that will be done, and it is an exceptional amount, can turn incredibly frustrating, especially when there’s no apparent reason for it. skate. has a long way to go for user friendliness, helping players over small obstacles rather than expecting them to have ESP in order to do anything other than faceplant.

Despite the frustrations, competitions are a lot of fun. They’re hectic and among the few times the game feels truly improvised, as the vast majority of goals are pre-planned to a good extent. Most of the time, players are racing other skaters in what’s called Deathracing. Sadly, it’s nowhere near as exciting as Futurama’s Deathrolling. It’s an exercise in repetition, memorizing the course and going as fast as possible through it. Unfortunately when everyone basically moves at the same speed and it’s hard enough to just stay on the board, the event doesn’t work. Other common goals are photo or video shoots. Photo shoots have a specific place you go to, pull off a trick or two with given conditions(certain tricks, scores, objects, etc.), and move on. They’re usually in high traffic areas or simply hard to reach spots, further adding to the frustration of what should be a simple trick. Video shoots are certain conditions and goals, but the player picks the spot and has a certain amount of time to achieve them in. It’s an idea that sounds good, but too many goals need very specific locations to pull off.

Unfortunately, skate.’s control is just too unwieldy most of the time. Complex inputs combined with precarious balance don’t mix well for many complex tricks, especially anything with a grab or rotation. If it has both, be prepared to suffer. The analog control is a great idea, but it’s too loose still, and too random for most thumbs. That, combined with the difficulty of simply moving forward without falling, is enough to cause many to quit the game prematurely. On top of that, akward camera angles(a very low camera placed close to the board and off to either side) really cause trouble when it comes to judging distances and positioning relative to objects.

The game’s presentation outdoes the actual skating by far, despite the camera complaints. Though textures can look a bit blurred at times, most of the world is crisp and clear, and skaters(both original and pro) are easily recognized. The settings are great, with a real feel for each neighborhood being present. Boards look great and well worn in some cases, as they should. The audio is up to snuff as well, featuring, I can’t believe I’m saying this, good music from EA Trax. Really. It’s good. That’s not a joke. Besides the music, which isn’t heard terribly often by default, the sound of the boards and impacts resulting from failing at there use excels. The rough rumble of rolling over concrete, squeaks and scrapes as wheels slide against hard surfaces, and meaty thuds help to immerse the player in the fictional city of San Velona.

Of course, audio and video don’t make up for bad gameplay, and there’s just too much of it in skate., despite the potential that’s there. In the end, it just isn’t fun. It’s slow, overly deliberate, and frustrating as hell. The game desperately needs fine tuning and a coat of polish despite the best of intentions, and as much as Tony Hawk can learn from it, it can learn from Hawk in terms of accessibility. Specifically, seriously, stop making me bail from the slightest things. I know in reality a curb can throw you, but this isn’t reality. Reality isn’t always fun.

skate. gets 3 out of 5 canes. It’s not bad, but it’s not good. Hardcore sim gamers can find a lot to love here, arcade gamers can find a lot to loathe.